It is exhausting.
It is exhausting in so many different ways, for so many different reasons, let me just list them, in no particular order.
1. The Entitled - Many people - especially those who are union members - entirely fail to understand what large unions do and how they work. They don't understand that the mere fact of being represented by a union doesn't mean that you will never be fired or your supervisors will always be nice to you. They don't understand that having a union representative assigned to your workplace doesn't mean that this person will always be available to take your calls, or will be successful in defending you against the employer. This category of people complain that their union representative didn't make certain arguments in a hearing that they would have made, or that the union rep took too long to answer their calls, or proposed a settlement that did not provide all of the relief they wanted. Today, it was a woman in this category who complained that her union called her "at all hours," 9, 10:00 at night, and wondered if that was ok. After a long day of this, it was with perhaps too much exasperation that I told her that most people I see complain that they don't receive any calls from their unions; why was she complaining instead that her union rep was working such long days that he called her at late hours? What is the problem with these people? Well, part of the frustration for me has to do with the contrast with the next category:
2. The Don't Know They Have No Rights - These are the people who didn't get the memo that the U.S. decided to be an employment-at-will country, the people who spend years, decades even, in the workforce, and don't know that they have so few rights. These are the people who complain that their boss is mean, or prefers one of their coworkers to them, or took an overly-harsh adverse action against them because they violated some workplace rule. These are the people who are shocked when I explain that, in this country, an employer can take an adverse action against them for any reason except a small number of illegal reasons - race, gender, other discrimination, or retaliation for protected, concerted, or union activity - and there is no legal requirement that your boss be nice or even fair. These people confuse the evidence of unlawful discrimination with discrimination (i.e., making distinctions among two or more things) itself. As in, Question: "why does your boss treat your coworker differently? Was it any of the illegal reasons I just mentioned?" Answer: "No, they are friends and my boss has never liked me." This person is shocked and upset with me when I tell them about the limited job protections we have in this country, and that unfairness itself has not yet been outlawed.
So you see why the people who have rights in Category 1 make me crazy in not appreciating how many more rights and benefits they have than this category!
3. The Emoters - This category of people is having a genuine personal crisis. They are having an ongoing conflict at work, or they've been fired, or life has just gotten to them. They come into my office and they might cry, but they might be extremely defensive or unable to have a calm, back-and-forth conversation for some other reason. I feel for them, usually. But I am not a trained therapist. I am not a trained social worker. I have received no training whatsoever - and I blame my agency for this - on dealing with people in crisis. When these people complain, sometimes tearfully, that they are having health problems, or too much stress, or might lose their homes, I do not have the proper tools - emotional or practical - to help them. As I said, I work for a law enforcement agency. I don't work for a general social services agency. I am an expert in the enforcement of a single law. I feel so ill-equipped to help people going through an emotional trauma. And when I say ill-equipped, there are two problems here. First, I don't know if I am "successful" in dealing with them - do they feel better or worse after dealing with me? But even if I do manage to be successful with these people, or I decide that helping them emotionally is not my function, there's a second problem. The second problem is the toll that this takes on me. My understanding is that trained therapists receive training in how not to be emotionally destroyed by hearing so many sad and difficult emotional things from their patients. I have received no training whatsoever on how to deal with another person's emotional trauma without being upset by it myself.
4. The Defensive and Aggressive Types - Perhaps a subset of category 3, perhaps not, these folks are instantly on the defensive, or instantly on the attack. Either way, they are exuding emotions that put me also in an unhealthy mode. The worst are the aggressors. These are the people who accuse me of not listening, not understanding, not doing my job properly. There was one guy in particular like this who brought out the worst in me. I may realize the first time (or first few times) that he makes such a statement that he's in a troubled emotional state and calmly attempt to reassure him that I would like to help him, but after he makes such accusations multiple times, my patience is worn out and I can't stay calm. I believe that my goal is to stay above the fray and not engage with the emotional battle he's picking with me. But there have been times, I'm not proud to admit, that I haven't stayed above the fray. I have said, with voice shaking and bordering on shouting, that I am trying to help him and if he doesn't want my help and advice that we should end this phone call, and there may have been a time that after making such a statement, I hung up on someone. When someone is attacking you, it takes a special skill (which I don't possess) not to go on the defensive and feel attacked, to refrain from taking it personally when you are stretching yourself to your max in an attempt to do your job and all of the intellectual and emotional challenges it involves, and be told by someone who is already pushing you to your limit that you are not doing your job. I don't know what to do in these situations, and I resent my Agency for putting me in a situation where I have to deal with these types of people, and not giving me the tools to deal with it. The other problem with this kind of scenario is that I feel a range of emotions afterward - I feel guilty for not being the bigger person when I'm dealing with someone who is clearly in a much worse off, distressed position in life than I am, but I also fear that I'm giving too much leeway to someone I should view as, frankly, abusive. The truth is that I just have no idea how to make sense of these people, or how to deal with them. And that's not a pleasant place to be.
4. General Thoughts - The truth is that with all of these emotional states that a person may be in, I simply don't have the proper resources to know how to deal, in a productive or emotionally healthy way, with any of them. At the end of these days, there seems to invariably come a time when I am so emotionally maxed out that I am too stern, or inappropriate in some other way, with someone. Part of the problem is that I don't know what "success" in these situations means, and as an achievement-oriented person, this is a big deal. Am I successful if I give accurate information about their rights under the law even if I raised my voice or became emotional in the process? Should I be unphased? Colleagues have pointed out that perhaps I have too much sympathy for people, and shouldn't be afraid to view these people as overly-entitled, or mean, or abusive, when that's how they are. I don't know if I need more compassion, or less compassion and more clear-eyed judgment, or more emotional detachment with a focus on the legal information...but after years in this job and many tweaks to my conduct and emotional-posture when dealing with the public, after a day of this I am still exhausted and struggling to find a better way.
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